Currently Playing Heavier Things By John Mayer see related

- Daughters -

Just watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."  What a movie!  My life is so ... I don't even know what right now.  There are so many decisions I have to make and I have no clue of really what to do about most of them.

I am going on my third opinion and just as many root canals on the same tooth.  I am sick.  I am renting.  My work contract is due to be signed next week and i don't even know if I want to stay in this state or take a chance and move without a teaching job, because I don't know if i want to raise my kids in the "dirty south" and my relationship is so roller coasterlike.  My relationship is... well same as usual (reference the movie mentioned above.)  I just about cried like a girl during that movie and i don't know if it was because of my relationship, the state of things in my life, or the vicodin.  I told the dentist "if I didn't have the two greatest children in the world, I would think that I have the worst luck of anyone."  Shit, I just thought of something, maybe i need a paternity test. Shit. LOL

I probable sound screwed up and I will regret writing this tomorrow, but what the hell, no one really will read this anyway.  I guess it is sort of like putting a message in a bottle and throwing it out to sea.

I should be happy I suppose and I am whenever I look at my kids smiling or I am having a successful lesson at school, but damn, I really have to make some decisions and get my shit on track. 

In the end I will always find a way to laugh in the face of any shit thrown at me like my dear departed buddy Steve.  Besides, I prefer being where I am to where he is, so... fuck it.  I will wake up and put a smile on as I have always done knowing that I am not being phony, I am just drawing on the positive to get through.

Currently Playing Powerage (Dlx) By AC/DC see related

-

Back for my yearly entry

life is crazy.  I am now tutoring after school, have been appointed to a county wide grading revision committee in one of the20  largest school districts in the country, my kids have been pretty sick, and I have been nominated for teacher of the year!  I won't win, but it feels good just to be nominated. hee hee  If I did win I guess I would have to point up and say "thanks to the lord above" or something silly like that since I have never won anything and I probably won't get the chance in the near future. 

I just love it when some silly person thinks god was helping them to win some silly game, election or award for acting instead of helping the starving and suffering around the world and next door to you and me.  Guess even god has to have priorities.

Currently Playing Fair Warning By Van Halen see related

- Mean Street - -

ok.  The kids are napping, it's Halloween and i have about 15 minutes to myself without children.  Kids kids kids all the time!!!  Need to vent.  Thursday had meeting with the principle (my boss) and my son's substitute "teacher" before work.  Tense to say the lease.  This militant lady is pretending to be a teacher while my son's real teacher is on maternity leave and it is a little frustrating to say the least.  I Set things straight, I hope and straightened things out.  My son got an award for best listener and for knowing all of his sight words Friday.  That lady better not ruin his attitude...anyway I get back to my class and one of my little guys comes up to me itching like crazy and i say what are you doing and he informs me "I got rabies" I said "what" and he repeated it again and said " I touched a feather last night and I got rabies" while scratching all over.  I think about it a minute and realize that he actually has SCABIES!!!  I won't go into the finer details of what I had to do with the room after I sent him to the nurse and moved the kids to another space.  I will say that this poor kid told me a few days earlier that he had blood in his urine.  Out of the blue he tells me this and I talk to him and send him to the nurse and the counselor.  Now he is referred to the social worker.  He is at his 5th foster home and he is 6 years old!!! 

He is the second kid dealing with social workers this week.  Another kid had to talk to them and was so nonchalant about it when ask if there are drugs in the house and what his mom does.  Just part of life for these kids. He often just sits and daydreams and now I have a better picture of what is probably on his mind.    What a burden so many of them are bearing. 

Most of them are leading such tough lives, unfortunately there is room for only so many rappers to profit from this kind of life that "hip hop" celebrates.  I suppose some will see a different path and the rest will perpetuate the cycle.  The interesting thing is that no one can predict which child will rise up out of the ashes and overcome the obstacles and which ones will be victims.  That motivates me to try to reach them where they are at and hope for the best. 

Friday night was fall festival and I put up a booth and all the kids came out and had a good time.  It is such a different culture for me here in the south.  My class has 24 kids: a few very bright and well behaved kids and the rest are very sweet, little, interesting, well they try my patience to say the least.  The thing is, even the little, um special ones came up to me, called out my name and hugged me.  Even though I spent the earlier part of the day redirecting their behavior constantly, they don't see that part and I have to try hard to remember that.    They don't hold grudges about the class and what goes on I and neither should I. We are all products of our circumstances and I play a part in their lives.  I don't remember my first grade teacher, but she must have made some impact on me.  I hope I make a positive one on them. 

This job is very hard emotionally and I hope I am making a difference.  It is draining and I am now getting up for more kids fun.  I will get the kids up and watch the wizard of oz while carving a pumpkin and then go trick or treating.  I became a teacher because I love kids and to especially to be able to spend time with my own kids like my father wasn't able to do.  Or did he want to after all?  I find myself working at school for 10 hours and then cooking, feeding, playing with, reading to, bathing, and putting my kids to bed and I love every minute of it, but holy shit do I need a vacation or at least a break!

We also made a conscious decision not to ever put the kids in day care unless it was absolutely necessary and I have lived up to that.  They are well adjusted, bright, confident kids and I am ready for a padded room.  Anyone know a good babysitter?  I hear my little sunshines waking up now... smiles everyone, smiles...

Currently Playing Contraband By Velvet Revolver see related

My second post after months.  I had good intentions. 

Anyway, had an interesting day.  Took my motorcycle out to explore and got stuck down in a valley and struggled for about an hour before I managed to get up the hill.  Georgia red clay everywhere.   Totally thought of the movie My Cousin Vinnie and the red clay scene.  Crossed two rivers climbed all kinds of shit. I'm sore as hell but it was fun in the end.  Live and learn. 

A wise man once said "look before you leap" but I would like to add "don't go down a hill you can't get back up!"

Currently Playing Probot By Probot see related

-

My first weblog entry and I am sure no one will read it so it will be an exercise in self reflection rather than pulic I suppose.

Anyway, here I am in GA and it is hot.  Went swimming with the kids today.  Fun.  Had the week off.  Starting summer school next week.  Stressing out from many pressing issues.  Must medicate.  Oops, I mean meditate.  Freudian? maybe.